ONE HUGE EFFIN' WALL OF HETALIA OMMRWTF X'D
by AbyssQueen
Summary: Dear Diary- I MEAN WAR STRATEGY JOURNAL. ... Sigh. Another day of saving Italy's butt. When will the little- Who's this? I don't recognize her... Wait, she's from Hell? VTF? -Total crack... with a plot? T for cursing...
1. Kapitel Einz: Wuh!

**A/N: Whoot. Here's the first installment of... ONE HUGE FUCKIN' WALL OF HETALIA OHMYMOTHERRUSSIA WHATTHEFUCK XXXX'DDDDD**

**Yes, somehow, this will have plot. Because I am a fuckin' Abyssehness. **

**A warning: Horrible misuse of German mannerisms! Sorry peeps, I don't speak German. (Or any other languages used in this fic besides English...) All I know is a few curses/insults, how to count to 10, & stuff I learn from songs. & I know the whole w=v thing. & then, like, 'ja' & that 'uck' & 'arg' or something = 'AUGHCK' (lol, stereotypes. gotta love 'em.) Heck, I used google translate to figure out what 'chapter' was in German. And uhm, also... Speaks of the Devil! So... DON'THAETMEHPLZ&NOONEBEOFFENDED.  
>And, uh, if u guys need a translation at any point... Just say so in a review. XD Or, if you have knowledge of the language, &amp; I did something wrong... Telllllll meeeeeeee C:<strong>

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><p>Germany... was not annoyed.<p>

He was not mad.

He was not angry, nor ticked, nor peeved.

He was, however, fucking _pissed. _

_Mein Gott, _he thought to himself as he hung up the phone, _that dummkopf Italy. Can't he go funf seconds without getting in some sort of trouble? !_

"Germany! Help meee!" the _very_ familiar voice of Italy in trouble floated (Yeah. Floated. Like magic. Or pizzadust. [No, I did not mean pixiedust. This is not a typo. Do not start hating on poor little AutoCorrect, just because it thinks peanut equals lesbian. Pizzadust, bitchez.] Or someshit.) toward Germany from the other room. Then the voice became more muffled, as if Italy had turned to his attacker. ...Or as if there were hands in his face. "No! Please don't kill me! Or rape me! Or take me as your prisoner! Or tie me up and leave me to die! Or feed me English food! Or sell me into slavery! I surrender! White flag, white flag!"

However, in the heat of his frustration/pissed-ness, Germany didn't realize that Italy had called him from... that one country.

It snows.

There's bears.

...And salmon?...

And they have this weird flag... It's a leaf.

So, yeah. He's There. (A.K.A. Not Germany's House.)

Something about an avalanche and a rabid bear and a bunch of Saint Bernards sitting on his face. And no pasta.

What he also failed to notice was that the voice was coming from behind him, and that it was distinctly female (though with Italy's voice being what it is, the pitch isn't THAT different... In fact, in the voice's normal speaking voice, her tone would be lower than Italy's...) and had an eastern-American accent.

A.K.A. Not Italy's Voice.

Not even close.

But it was really really whiny, so it was close enough.

"GERMANY!"

"VHAT? !" Germany roared as he turned towards the voice.

To his surprise, it wasn't Italy but instead a girl that looked to be about fourteen. She had scary-but-awesome-ass white eyes and clearly died hair (THAT'SWHATYOUTHINK) that was jet black but turned blood red towards the tips. Her hair covered one eye (THANK GOD. THOSE THINGS DON'T HAVE PUPILS. UNLESS THOSE ARE WHITE TOO. BUT THE WHITES OF HER EYES ARE BLACK. AHWHATTHEFUCK.) and was a little longer on one side, where it went to about two inches past her shoulders. At it's shortest, on the other side, it went just below her jaw. It was awesome and straight-ish (not stick straight, but straight enough) and shiny and epic. She was tall. She had an awesomeface and her skin was perfect (but pale! ಠ_ಠ) and she had no pimples or anything because that's how anime (and this fanfiction) works. She had on black skinny jeans, black combat boots (with epic zippers!), a well-fitted black tube-top with the anarchy sign across the chest in red, an unzipped three-fourths sleeve black and red striped (wide ones! ew not penstripes...) jacket that also had many much zippers, a white beanie hat with black eyes and a black stitched-shut mouth on the front, red fingerless elbow-length gloves with black lace on them, a simple silver chain around her neck, and OMMR that was a long-ass description.

So, if you were smart and didn't read that thing, she was obviously some sort of wannabe steampunk otaku's OC.

But of course Germany had no way of ever knowing what that was. Or at least... Not in this particular fanfiction. ...Or this chapter. ...Sweet Mother Russia, what if in this fanfiction he found this fanfiction? And so on? ...AH A PARADOX NO GLaDOS HIDE YOUR EYES! Dx *The author proceeds to cry herself to sleep*

...

...

...

...You need me to narrate, don't you?

...

...

...

Well, that was better than someone dying of leprosy.

"...Vho the fAUGHCK are you? !"

"...What?" Haha, see?... No, not see... Hear?... ... Okay, fuck senses. Let's use our imaginations here. Her voice is naturally lower than Italy's when he's screaming. What a surprise.

"VHO. THE FAUGHCK. ARE YOU? !"

"...What are you saying? !"

"VHOTHEFAUGHCKAREYOU? !"

"WHAT?"

"'VAHT' VAHT?"

"WHAT ARE YOU, SPEAKING PARSELTOUNGUE? MAYBE FALCON? WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU SAYING?"

The two hotheaded countries were now reduced to screaming in eachother's faces.

"DUMMKOPF! I'M ASKI-"

"I. AM NOT. A DUMBASS!" the girl screamed back, randomly knowing what Germany had said... in German. Probably for the same reason all the countries managed to speak either Japanese or English most of the time and had a tendency to write in Japanese and put spells on their writing so that magical words would pop up onto the screen telling you WTF that weirdshit said.

"THEN VHY CAN'T YOU UNDERSTAND ME, ARSCHLOCH?"

"I AM NOT AN ASSHOLE, EITHER, YOU STUPID DAHBAH-HAHBA-HEBA-JEHD!"

"...Vut?"

"And you said I was the dumbass..." the girl sighed under her breath.

The blond country, fully able to hear her remark, almost snapped at her, but instead sighed and took deep breathes, attempting to calm himself. "Okay. My name is Germany, or Ludvig."

The girl burst out laughing. "Ludvig? ! The fuck kinda name is that?"

"NO, LUDVIG!"

"...That's what I said."

Germany almost punched her in the face, but he began taking deep breathes to calm down.

Just like his shrink always told him to.

_Damn Saumensch!_ "Vhatever. And you are?"

"I am awesomer than Prussia. I am eviler than Russia. I am scarier than Belarus. I am epicer than America. I'm more magical than all of England's fairy friends combined. I can be even more annoying than Italy. I'm harder to read than Japan. I'm prettier than France. I'm wiser than China. I'm a better fighter than Germany. I'm-"

"GET ON VITH IT."

The girl sighed in annoyance. "Fine. I'm Abysseh, or FEKCRP." (Note, she says it FEHK-CURP. Easily mistaken as FUCK-CRAP. XD)

"...The faughck kind of name is _that?_"

"It's better than yours. Yours reminds me of that one bug, it's like... I dunno. 'Ludwig' or 'Earwig' or something."

He was seriously about to punch her in the fucking face.

"Okay. Explain FAUGHCKcrap, then."

"It's FEKCRP, asshole."

_Hypocrite._

"It stands for the Flying Exploding Killdren of Ceilingica Refrigeratoria Potatica."

". . ." If Germany could say an emoticon, he'd be saying 't.t'. Unfortunately, only America, FEKCRP, and me have that ability, so... "And, um, _vhere _exactly is this place?"

"...You mean _where _is it?"

"...Yes. That is exAUGHCKtly vhat I mean."

"Well, it's in Hell."

"...And I suppose your next door nEIGHCKbor is Russia and you're at var vith some place called Black Rainbov Island, ja?"

"Wow, you're good. I mean, he's my NEIGHBOR, and it's WAR, and WITH Black RAINBOW Island, but yeah, that's BRI."

". . ."

"It is so santadamn cold in here."

"It's the middle of summer."

"Been burnin' in Hell, remember?"

Germany sighed. He wasn't sure how much more of this he could take.

"Okay. Zwei things. Einz; Vhy are you here? Zwei; Vhat do you vant?"

"...What?"

"OH MEIN GOTT. THAT IS IT. GET OUT."

"...No."

"...Vhat?" Germany obviously wasn't used to people not being scared of him.

"I am on a mission to destroy the BRI and take over the last remainder of Hell that my sister and I do not control. Satan, Lucifer, the Devil, whatever, is our father, and I ate him. Our mother was one threehundred-thirty-third angel, so when my sister set the house on fire with pickle juice she became a volcano. However, that makes my sister and I one six-six-sixth angel, so it cancels out. Satan's brother, our uncle, is Santa, and I ate him too. We have several cousins by him. He was a pedo, though, so all of their moms died of being six when giving birth. Well, Russia 'became one' with Rawwreh's mother, but... I honestly don't know what that includes."

Germany just sat there in silence. Obviously taking care of this lunatic would take skill.

"...What are you thinking about?"

The blond looked at her funny. "Um..."

"Because I already know~"

_Well fuck. She's a mindreader too._

"...I just said that."

"Stay out of my mind!"

"No."

"Vhy? !"

"Because I can't understand you when you speak."

There was obviously a reason she had lived in Hell before, besides the whole 'Satan is mah daddeh!' thing. If Germany even believed in that bullshit.

"You really should, you know!"

_Gott, that's freaky._

"You bet."

_..._

"It's no use thinking dots. I can even see and-or hear those."

...

"Your loss."

...

"You know, if you would just speak normally, I'd be able to understand you and I wouldn't have to do this."

"...Vhat?"

* * *

><p>"Okay, you stupid normal, all you gotta do for me is fix two things. Kay?"<p>

"Alvright."

FEKCRP sighed. "Okay, the first one is WUH. Say that. Say 'WUH'."

Germany couldn't believe he was doing this. It was humiliating.

"A LOT MORE THAN YOUR PRIDE AND REPUTATION ARE GONNA BE HURT IF YOU DON'T SAY IT."

The blue-eyed country sighed resignedly and made an attempt that lacked all enthusiasm; "Vuh."

"No, WUH."

"Vwuh."

"Better. WUH."

"Wuh."

"Good! Aren't you a good learner! Why, you're almost as good as my cute little Kitty!" From out of seemingly nowhere a 8x11 picture frame appeared and floated in front of Germany's face. It was a gruesome picture of a undead three-headed cerberus, still half-covered in rotting fur. And if the seemingly miniature tree in the background was anything to judge by, the _kreatur _in the picture was huge.

"That... That's CUTE? And LITTLE? And a KITTY?"

"Well of course!"

"...Can ve continue?"

"Yes. But it's 'we'."

"Ve."

"I have a cheese grater."

"We!" Germany exclaimed, exasperated.

"Good. Now. Say 'what'."

"Vhat."

"'What'."

"Vhat."

"'What'!"

"Vhat!"

FEKCRP sighed. "Okay. Let's try... Say 'whatever'."

"Whatever."

"GOOD! Now say 'what'."

"Vhat."

The ravenhaired -the red doesn't count. 'Cause even if the black is natural, the red is dye. ...Right?- country was about ready to explode.

Which wasn't pretty, considering she WAS a flying exploding killd. ...Kyled? Killed? Killehd? Who knows.

...

Well, except for me.

...

ANYWAY.

"SAY 'WHAT'."

"I'M TRYING!"

"SAY IT!"

"VHAT! VHAT VHAT VHAT VHAT VHAT!"

The girl's eyes, once white, turned... Well, no, they stayed white. That's creepier than red anyways.

"I am going to _murder _you as slowly and painfully as is in my power. Which, trust me, is very slow and painful, considering I'm a direct descendant of Satan." Her hair was starting to, like, float or something. Kinda weird. BUT OMMR I LOVE HER EARRINGS! They're silver keys!

...

Ahem.

"Vell, um..." Germany racked his brain for ideas.

...Not that he was scared.

...Just, you know, in case this whole 'SATAN, I AM YOUR DAUGHTER' thing was true.

"What was that second thing?"

"Oh, yes," the girl immediately calmed down, and her hair lost it's anti-gravitational powers. "Work with me here. Say 'Fuck'."

"...Vhy?"

"WHY."

"I MEAN FAUGHCK! That's what I said."

"That is what you said. But I need you to say 'fuck'."

"...FuAUGHCK."

"Bad Germany!" the girl yelled as she slammed her fist down on the poor blond's head.

Really hard.

"Mein Gott, vhat vas that for? !"

"'Fuck'. 'What'. 'Was'."

Germany sighed. "FuuuhAUGHCK."

"Better."

"...FAUGHCK!"

"...No."

"..."

"Let's try this; say 'duck'."

"Duck."

"Good! Now~"

"FAUGHCK."

FEKCRP rubbed her temples. There was no one like this in Hell.

...

Except for Dareh.

...

But Dareh was a strange one...

* * *

><p><em><strong>MEANWHILE...<strong>_

Italy could not breathe. Italy was trapped under ten feet of snow. Italy was being sat on by a rabid polar bear. Italy was being farted on by the rabid polar bear. Italy was cold. Italy was wet. Italy was hungry. Italy had no pasta.

Italy was sad.


	2. Glava Vtoraya: Donkey Tits and Peter Pan

**A/N: Yeahhhhhhhhhh tacoooooooooooos...**

**"Chapter Two" is in Russian, this time. Google Translate again. OTL **

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><p>A world meeting was called to deal with the mysterious- and infuriating- 'new' country two days later, which was to be hosted in Italy. However, in the heat of dealing with his new problem, Germany had completely forgotten about the weakling country, and honestly he's probably dead by now. :)<p>

Except he's not, because I don't want my friends to kill me.

With annoyingness.

Yeah, Italy fangirls. There's nothing to be done about them. ಠ_ಠ

...

Anyway, back to the story...

So the countries found it odd that he had not shown, but they were all far too preoccupied by the fact that FEKCRP got her own chair to care much.

"But she's not even a country from our realm! I mean, do we really want to help someone that's from HELL?" That was Britain protesting, and for once, France was actually nodding in agreement.

"I'm representing an entire planet here! I should think you'd treat an ambassador of a planet with respect, no?"

"Wha- Planet? ! Where is this place anyways? !"

"Hell- It's just past Venus. Has 13 moons."

"Then why haven't we ever seen it before? !"

"Because Earth technology sucks donkeytits."

"D-... donkey... tits?"

America chose then to butt in, and we all know that from now 'til the end of the chapter he's not going to stop talking. "Dude, you're from Hell? I don't know if that's totally offensive or totally cool!"

"It's not cool, it's hot. [insert troll face HERE]"

"Wait, you're from another planet; does that make you an alien?"

"Um..." The girl thought to herself for a second. She was honestly not sure. "I suppose so, yes."

"Cool. B)"

"But anyveys, back to our problem...?" Germany growled.

"What is it you said, Germany?"

"...I mean 'anyways'..." he sighed.

Like an obedient little puppy.

Note to self; Write a step-by-step called How to Train Your Germany & stuff it in this fanfiction in a semi-logical place.

Note end.

Continue on...

Russia came in just then.

OOOOOOOOOOH, LATEEEEE.

"What took you so bloody long?" Britain growled.

"Me?" Russia smiled innocently. "But I've been here entire time. You did not see it, but I was standing behind you just a few minutes ago, testing how easy it would be to sneak up on you and suffocate you to death." He paused for a moment before adding a thought; "It would have been easy."

Britain looked _very_ concerned about that last comment and laughed nervously. "Oh, well, uh... Interesting story, eh chap? I think I'm, uh... Going to go get a scone. Or something. Hahahahaha bye!"

Russia just smiled sweetly and sat on Canada.

"Um... Excuse me, Mr. Russia, I, um..."

"Yo, Ivan! :D"

"Abyssehnezz, how are you?"

"Eh, more trouble with BRI. Looking for some help here. Can you lend a hand?"

"If I do, do I get to become one wi-"

"With Shadeh and I? No. But when we defeat BRI, you can have Equestria- They shouldn't be hard to beat. Just a bunch of weird-ass rainbow-loving ponies."

"Like, did someone say PONIES?" Poland popped up out of nowhere.

Or rather, he came from his seat, but...

That was across the room, so it was ALMOST like he came outta nowhere.

"No, we were talking about meat grinders and puppy mills. Now shoo. ಠ_ಠ"

Poland popped back to his seat. BY THE POWER OF PIZZADUST~

"Meat grinders and puppy mills? That's not like you, FEKCRP."

"I don't like his face."

"Really? I love his face. It will bring me great pleasure to see the pain on it as he dies violently by my hand."

The other countries, by this point: O_O" D8 ;A;'

Abysseh smiled as if Russia's comment was perfectly normal.

Which it was- for the two of them, anyways.

"Yo, dude, Hellchick! I brought my friend Tony for you to meet!" America magically levitated half-sideways from offscreen into view.

I told you he wasn't going to be shut up easily...

"Well, um, Hell-O..."

"Fucking~ Fucking~ Fucking~ Fucking~ Fucking~"

"Uh, yeah. Nice to meet you too..."

Apparently, she speaks Tony too.

What are the odds.

"So, um, Amerikun, why do you have an alien?..."

"He's NOT an alien, he's my best friend!"

No one voiced it, but all those paying attention thought the same thing; _That doesn't mean he's not an alien!_

"...I see."

There was an awkward silence while everyone was thinking of how much of a dumbass America was before Britain reentered the room, being dragged by Sealand, who he was trying to get to go home.

"Hey guys! So I figured that since I'm a country n-"

"Sealand, you're not a _real_ country, just go home!"

"Well Prussia's here!"

"HEY!" the boisterous country appeared at the very mention of his name. "I WAS a country, and as of April 14, 2011, I am a again! The New Prussian EMPIRE! Haha! Have you ever known anyone else to come back from the dead? FEAR THE AWESOME PRUSSIA!"

"Gil, _please_ stay out of this..." England pleaded.

Sealand was not to be deterred. "But it's not fair! I'm a country too!"

"I support Mr. Sailoroutfit here! High five!" Prussia held his hand up for Sealand to high-five, but ended up having to lower it due to the seaport country's stature... Or rather, lack of it... And it became a low-five.

Sealand went to slap Prussia's hand, but the albino moved his hand just before Sealand's made it's mark.

"Hahaha, too slow! Kesesesesese~"

Sealand looked hurt. :I

"See, Sealand, this is why you should go home. Countries are very mean to each other an-"

Abysseh walked up, grinning from ear to ear, her bangs in her face so where you could see her eyes but most of the rest of her face was covered. "How about we all just go back to my place?~"

"Sure~!" Sealand grinned, oblivious.

England grabbed Sealand, practically yanking him backwards. "Oh my God, Peter, what did I say about following strangers home!"

"Wait..." Abysseh held up a finger, her hair back in place and a confused expression on her face. "His name... Is Peter?"

"We-"

England slapped a hand over Sealand's mouth. "Yes, why do you ask?"

"So... Do you have a Peter Pan fetish or something?"


End file.
